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Annie's Online Journal...2
June 1,2002

"Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you. "                            

        Marsha Norman


I can hardly believe that it is June 1,2002.  I had a dream last fall that when summer arrived I would no longer be fat.  Little did I know that this time my dream would become reality.  Often I have stopped and pondered why has this time been different. There are thousands of eating programs available to those of us who need to lose weight and trust me I have tried them all without success.
So how is it that almost 8 months have passed since I embarked on this journey and my dream of last fall is soon to be a reality.  I would like to say I really thought about my decision, planned it all out and then took action to make my dream come true.
But it really wasn't that way at all.  When first I saw the infomercial, I wasn't looking to lose weight..trying to lose weight always in the end just added to my feelings of failure. But as I was watching the commercial it occurred to me that the program of six healthy meals made sense.  I was skeptical that this program would work for me, afterall every other program I had tried had not.
I decided to give it six weeks and go from there.  I knew I could get my money back, so why not.  I also knew if this did not work, I would resign myself to being fat for the rest of my life.
The first week wasn't easy(but I am stubborn once I have made my mind up). I missed my salt and drinking 100 ounces of water was more than tough.  But I was determined to see if this program really worked.. To my pleasant surprise it did.
  What motivated me to continue? At first it was the rapid weight loss, then it was the increase energy , combined with the caring support from Provida, it dawned on me that it could happen.  I took one day at a time and one obstacle at a time.  I began to plan my attack, set my path and follow my dream.
 It hasn't always been easy and I haven't always made good choices, but somewhere over these last 8 months I learned to forgive myself, and plow forward.  I didn't let a simple failure take me down, I didn't let the fat monster win. As time went by my determination grew stronger and my weight dropped. I kept repeating to myself two affirmations, the first one..This is not a race, but a journey to health. The second one, nothing tastes as good as losing weight feels.
As time has progressed, things I never have experienced began to happen. I learned to exercise, I learned to be self accepting, I learned that eating off program didn't mean blowing the day, followed by another, followed by a week.
The small successes along the way also helped.  Like the first day I realized my thighs didn't rub together when I walked.  Or the first time I could buy an outfit in the "normal" store. Now I go to my closet and look for something to wear in the morning and I choose simply on what I feel like wearing, not on what would best hide the fat. The day I got on an airplane and needed no"extension" for the seatbelt was a wonderful day..
I am proud of my accomplishments, but I also respect the need to remain in control of my food. I realize that this way of life is forever, that I can never go back..
As I come closer and closer to my goal, it scares me, for losing is only the first step in being healthier, a much more difficult task at hand will be maintaining my weight and my new way of life.
I will though, for I will never be fat again.